Surprise, Surprise!
by Firelordawesome
Summary: The Deville family is in for quite a surprise. How will they handle it? (Also why isnt howard deville listed as a character?)
1. Surprise, Surprise!

Phil concentrated. He was down by two and he refuses to lose to Chuckie. Principal Pangborn was in sight and his head needed a fresh makeover. One point if it lands on his back, two points on his neck and three points if it sticks to his head. It's an automatic win if it lands in someone's mouth, but Phil only had that happen once, and boy was Angelica mad. He placed a strip of paper in his mouth, chewing it, making sure it was extra saliva-ey, then placed the straw in his mouth. Steady… steady, and—

Bullseye! Pangborn didn't even see it coming! He was too busy flirting with Miss O'Keats to notice. Phil cheered while Chuckie groaned. "Yes! Three-pointer," he said, lifting his arms above his head. "I am still the spitball king!"

Lil coughed in disgust, urging him to put his arms down. "You're still the armpit king, too."

Phil let out an embarrassing chuckle as his friends all plugged their noses. "Guess my spoiled meat cologne is paying off, huh?"

"You think?" Tommy and Chuckie laughed.

"Hey, are we still on for Attack of the Brain-Eating Clown III tonight?" asked Tommy.

"I heard they use real blood for the bathtub scene," said Kimi. "The actor who played the clown accidentally cut off the girl's finger in real life and the director just rolled with it."

Chuckie groaned. "Can't we just watch Lover of Dreams again?"

"C'mon, Chuckie… watching this movie is a once in a lifetime opportunity," said Tommy, putting a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "Every preteen has to see this movie. It's, like, a requirement."

"Sorry guys," said Lil, "we can't watch it at our house."

"Mom has the flu," Phil added. "She's not going out with her roller derby buddies tonight."

Tommy frowned. "What are we going to do? We only have the tape until tomorrow!"

"What about your house, Tommy?" asked Lil.

"My parents would freak if they even saw the tape."

"Sorry," said Lil. "Dad canceled his quilting club meet up to take care of mom. There's no way they would let us watch it."

"Man, I was looking forward to this all week!" Tommy said.

"Any chance your mom might be feeling better by tonight?" Kimi had to ask.

"Dunno," said Phil. "She's been sick all week."

"She's going to the doctors today," said Lil. "They'll probably put her on bed rest for a few days."

"I got it!" said Chuckie. His friends all turned to him, perking up. "They're showing the director's cut of Lover of Dreams tonight at the theater." They all quickly frowned.

* * *

"Pregnant?" Didi nearly dropped her tea cup.

"Yep, that's what the doctor said," Betty sighed softly, patting her belly. Despite the recent news, she seemed unusually calm about it, unlike her husband, who was currently passed out on the Pickles' couch. "I'll tell you, I was thinking it might be the opposite."

"But… Betty, aren't you worried about the consequences?" she asked. "Women our age aren't meant to be having children."

"Ah, I'm not worried," she said, sipping her tea. "My great aunt Muriel had my cousin Louie at fifty. And granny Hester was nearly forty when she had uncle Jimbo.

"I'm more worried about Howie. Poor thing passes out every five minutes."

Howard lay on the couch, a big ice pack on his head. Stu was trying to comfort him. "It's not so bad," Stu said. "You get to relive all those moments. First steps. First words… First poop. First drool. I remember when we first brought Dil home. He wouldn't stop crying. We didn't sleep for months. I… I'm making it sound worse than it actually is."

"I'm going to have to rethink my retirement plan," said a dazed Howard. "And the house… Betty's already talking about remodeling. Our bills will go through the roof!" The thought was too much for Howard; he closed his eyes, trying to think back to the days when he didn't have to worry about babies. Yesterday seems so long ago.

Didi had her Lipschitz book out as she and Betty entered the living room. The page was opened to the 'Older Parenting' chapter. "Dr. Lipschitz says—"

"I don't need that stuff, Deed," she said. "If I can handle Phil and Lil during their terrible twos, I think I can handle one little pup at forty." She smiled down at her husband. "C'mon, Howie, the kids'll be home soon. Better break the news to 'em."

Howard's eyes burst open, sitting up abruptly. He was so busy worrying about the new baby, he forgot about his other babies. What will they have to say about all this? "The kids!" he wheezed out. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fell back down onto the couch.

Betty looked down at her watch. "How 'bout another cup," she said to Didi. "He'll be out for another five."


	2. Kids React

"What?" asked Lil. She couldn't move; she was too shocked.

"Is that even physically possible at your age?" asked Phil.

"Yes!" said their mom, frowning. Their dad stood cowardly behind her, trying to keep his balance.

"But… how," Phil asked.

His parents exchanged looks and his dad stepped forward. "Well, honey," he said meekly, "when a mommy and… and a daddy love each other verymuch, they express this love in a… in a very special way—"

Lil's face went bright red as she tried to hide her face. She did not want to have this conversation. Not now, not ever! Phil scratched his head, looking more confused than ever. He could not be this dense, thought Lilian.

"—And… well, mommy and me, uh, used this love to create…"

Phil still didn't seem to get it. "They're talking about sex, Philip," Lil quietly explained to her brother.

"Oh," said Phil dumbly. "Oh…Oh, Gross!" He acted like he was about to throw up, making gagging sounds; Lil was still trying to hide. The power of disappearance could sure come in handy right about now. "I didn't need to know that!"

Their mom looked less than pleased and their dad was too embarrassed to look them in the eye. "Listen pups, this came up unexpectedly, we know, but we're gonna do what us Devilles do best."

"And what's that, Betty?"

"We're gonna deal with it," she said. "There's a baby coming, whether you like it or not!"

* * *

"And then dad started giving Phil the sex talk… the whole thing was just so awkward." Lil and Kimi were walking to homeroom. By that morning, everyone had learned the big news.

"A new baby, wow," said Kimi. "I remember when I begged my mom to have a baby because I didn't want to be the youngest anymore."

"Mom took out blueprints of the house after dinner and started planning out where they're going to put it."

"It?" They turned and saw Susie behind them. "It's not an it. It's a baby."

"Hey Susie," Lil greeted.

"So, what are you hoping for," asked Kimi. "A boy or a girl?"

Lil thought for a moment, a smile forming on her face. "Well… it would be nice to have a sister," she said. "I always wanted to have a sister. When Phil and I were little, I use to pretend he was my twin sister, Philian."

"Philian?" said Susie with a chuckle.

"One time I even convinced him to put on one of my dresses." Lil laughed, remembering how foolish he looked in her pink, flowery dress.

"I remember that," said Kimi.

In the distance, they saw Phil sniffing some brown mushy gunk on his locker. He looked around, making sure no one was looking, and then licked it. Lilian sighed. "I really hope she's a girl."

* * *

"Dad's totally freaked," said Phil, throwing the ball to Tommy. "He took today off because he keeps fainting."

Tommy couldn't help but laugh. He turned to his brother, who was meditating quietly on top the table, trying to find his inner alien (so he says). "Remember when Dil was born? He wouldn't stop crying for months."

"Don't remind me," sniffled Chuckie, putting his hands up to his ears. "Sometimes I can still hear it."

"Great," Phil said, "now I've got that to look forward to."

"You know," said Dil, who peaked his eyes open, "it's quite possible it could be an alien baby. Their queen has been known to implant her seed inside human mothers. They do it to learn more about the human race. Alien babies look and act like any human baby, except at night, when nobody's watching them, they glow green, signaling up to their alien people."

"That explains your birth," Tommy said under his breath.

"I don't wanna hear about my mother's seeds!" said Phil, making a gagging sound. Tommy passed the ball to Phil. "Besides, heard enough about that last night."

"What do you think it is?" asked Chuckie. "Boy or Girl?"

"Or alien baby?" Dil chimed in.

"He's gotta be a boy," Phil answered. "A brother who'll praise me and do everything I tell him to do."

Tommy turned back to Dil. "Sometimes brothers don't come out that way, Phil. Trust me, I know from experience."


	3. Loud Noises

Tommy tried to concentrate on the game, but it was just too loud. The Devilles were remodeling their house and the noise of the reconstruction made it hard to focus on anything. He gripped his controller, attempting to concentrate on the evil wizard on the screen, but two loud bangs later and his controller dropped to the ground.

Phil, on the other hand, didn't seem to mind the noise. He easily passed the evil wizard and saved the princess. Now the screen, with bright red letters, blinked: YOU WIN! YOU WIN! YOU WIN!

Chuckie was in agony, laying on Phil's bed, covering his ears to try to block the sound out. "How can you even concentrate with all this noise?" he asked, but it was too loud for anyone to hear what he was saying. They only saw that his lips were moving.

"WHAT?" screamed Tommy.

"I SAID," Chuckie shouted back, "HOW CAN ANYONE"—the construction had suddenly ceased—"CONCENTRATE… with all this noise?" he finished meekly.

Phil rubbed his ear. "Sheesh, ever heard of an inside voice, Chuck?"

Chuckie only groaned and sat up on the bed.

"Any idea how long this'll take?" Tommy asked.

"Dunno," said Phil, starting the next level. "They've been at it for weeks."

There was a knock on Phil's door and Lil and Kimi entered the room. "We're heading over to the Java Lava," said Kimi. "Wanna come with?"

"Yes!" said Tommy and Chuckie in unison.

"Nah, I'm good," said Phil, pressing play on his game. "Mom and dad are so busy making up the baby's room, they're not bugging me about playing video games all day!"

There was a loud bang from the other room, followed by a shriek from Phil and Lil's dad. "If you insist," said Lil as the others were already running for the front door. She went to follow her friends, but stopped suddenly. "Phil?" she said.

"Yeah, Lil?" He was focused on his game, gripping the controller intensely and pounding on its buttons.

"This baby… it won't change anything, will it?"

Phil looked away from his screen for a moment, but turned back to his game as soon as the aliens started attacking. "I… I don't know," he said. "I don't think so… Maybe a little." He was so focused on his game that he quickly forgot Lil was even in the same room as him.

Lil sighed. "If you say so."

* * *

Howard looked carefully at the receipt in his hand. His body suddenly felt heavy and his head felt light. "Geez… Betty," he said, "did we really need to rent a bulldozer?"

"How else will we knock down that third wall?" answered Betty. She turned to Chaz and Didi, who were sitting at the kitchen table, and added, "I'd do it myself, but the doc wants me to take it easy on the heavy lifting for a while."

"Don't you think you're overdoing it just a little bit, Betty?" said Chaz with a sniffle. The complicated blueprints lay in front of him as he tried to understand it. "I mean, where do the cinder blocks come in?"

"And the drill press?" added Didi.

"Okay, okay, maybe I went a little overboard on the redesigning," admitted Betty, patting her belly, "but I'm only thinking about what's best for the little pup."

"Well, Lipschitz says—"

"Lipschitz says this… Lipschitz says that. I don't care what that old crock has to say," interrupted Betty. "You can't learn to be a mom through a book. It comes on its own."

"What are you guys hoping for?" Chaz asked.

"Oh, the gender doesn't matter," said Betty. "Maybe we'll even get lucky again and have another set of twins."

" _Oh my!_ " said Howard, feeling light headed again. He didn't even think about that! He loves Phil and Lil, but they were quite the handful when they were little and he doesn't think his old bones can keep up with another set of twins.

Betty smiled. "Only kidding, Howie."

Howard felt woozy. His stomach rumbled as Betty led him to the table. He took a seat next to Chaz, who was studying the blueprints intently. Just the sight of the plans made him want to faint. Instead, Howard threw his head back and closed his eyes.

"Whatever you end up with… they'll certainly have quite the room," said Chaz.

A loud hammer banged in the distance, making Howard jump. "Yeah, well, Robby Renovate is the best in the biz! Howie and I met him years ago, back when he was Robby Rumba. The man could rumba like nobody's business, but that didn't pay the bills, so he started up this reconstruction company. Hasn't looked back since."

"Well"—a loud drill echoed throughout the household—"he certainly is… lurid," said Didi, her hands moving to cover her ears.

"You know," sniffled Chaz, getting up from his seat, "I think I heard that the kids were heading over to the coffee shop. I think I'll go… see if they need a ride."

"Me too," Didi said.

Betty watched as her friends scurried out of the room, then turned to her husband. She sniffed the air proudly. "Don't you just love the smell of refurbishing, Howie?" Howard only smiled, an ugly fake smile, but Betty didn't seem to notice. "Well, what're you sitting around for, Howard? Get your hard hat on and let's get working!"

"Yes, Betty."


	4. Talk Talk Talk

Phil and Lil ran into the kitchen quickly, avoiding their parents' gaze. Lil grabbed a banana while Phil, who was in such a hurry to get out of there and wasn't paying any attention whatsoever, poured orange juice into his hand.

"Gotta go," Lil said.

"Yep… Big math test in gym today," said Phil quickly. "P.E… study climbing… rope equations…"

Lil looked at her brother for a moment. They had planned it out so perfectly last night. Big test in math class today, was what he was supposed to say. Leaving early to study some equations. Phil didn't seem to notice his mistake, or he didn't seem to care. He just stood there, orange juice in hands, staring down at the ground. "Okay bye," said Lil, and the twins started to sprint towards the door.

"But it's a quarter 'til six," said their mom, looking at her watch. "The school doesn't even open for another hour."

"Like Phil said, loads of studying to do," Lil said.

"C'mon, take a seat. Eat some breakfast," ordered their mom. "Besides, your father and I want to talk to you about something."

The twins cautiously sat down, their eyes still low, and unwilling to look at their parents.

"This isn't another sex talk, is it?" Phil asked meekly.

"No, no," said their mom. "Unless, of course, there's something you don't understand?" Phil plopped his head down onto the table while Lil's face turned a bright shade of red. "We've realized that we've been focusing a lot on the new baby…"

"And not enough time on you," said their dad. Phil groaned.

"Now, as an apology, we've decided to let you watch Attack of the Brain-Eating Clown III." Phil lifted his head up from the table, and they both looked at their parents in disbelief, their embarrassment suddenly forgotten. "We talked it over with the other parents and, if you can behave responsibly, we'll allow you to watch the movie tonight during our weekly poker game."

"Really?" asked Phil. "Is this some kind of trick?"

"No," said their mom. "But, be warned, it was banned in six countries for a reason."

"That movie gave me the heebie-jeebies," their dad commented, visibly shaken.

"Wait… you're just gonna let us watch the movie," said Phil, "without parental supervision?"

"Oh, heavens no!" said their mom. "What kind of parents would we be if we let you watch that movie all alone? Tommy's Grandpa Lou will be here looking after you."

The twins turned to each other, smiling. Grandpa Pickles is probably the best babysitter, simply because he's so bad at it. He'll be out before the television even gets turned on!

"But we want you both to be responsible," their mother continued. "Your father and I are going to need some extra hands around the house once this baby comes. And, if you prove to us you can be responsible with these types of movies, we might even let you watch Attack of the Brain-Eating Clown IV."

"Curly's Revenge?" said Phil, eagerly. "Man, I heard that movie is the bloodiest with a total death count of a hundred and twelve!" Their mother smiled as Phil mimicked a chainsaw. Their father, however, was shivering, looking paler than usual.

As cool as their parents were being, Lil couldn't help but feel something off about this whole arrangement. She didn't want to question it but knew it would kill her if she didn't: "Why are you guys being so cool with all this?"

Their parents exchanged looks, before turning back to the twins. "You pups are growing up," said their mother simply. "It's time we treated you like it."


End file.
